Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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