Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
