My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
