I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
