i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
