in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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