He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
