mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
