Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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