Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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