My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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