i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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