Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
