I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
