"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
