He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Found your dick twin last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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