would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
