the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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