his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
