things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
