When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize