Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
