I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
