I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You can't special order awesome
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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