I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
