you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
