the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
As shirtless as possible
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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