I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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