I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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