Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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