the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
