You're earring is so big in my mouth
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
