Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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