she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
