I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
