i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
