I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
