I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
