drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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