My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
