For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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