she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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