i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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