I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
