My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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