you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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