i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
