I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
