Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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