don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
porn star boner night. come get it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
