Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
